Democratic National Sleep Aid

I've watched the DNC for a grand total of 18 seconds, long enough to see Teresa Heinz Kerry fight a losing battle with the English language. Her fight was much like the one I fight daily in this blog. It struck a chord.

That was the only thing that struck me, and the experience lasted 16 seconds too long. The other two are null because that's how long it took my brain to realize what I was watching. If I had quicker reflexes or even a remote control it could have been over much sooner.

It's an affront to my senses and an assault on my decency. It would surely make Ignatius J Reilly's valve close off forever. Of course, I'm not one of the > 50% or whatever of people who don't know what the fuck Kerry stands for. For these people the DNC might be useful.

The 18 seconds thing was actually a lie, I watched the NBC news broadcast before the start of the convention. The thing that struck me then was how jubilant these people were pretending to be. They were acting like John Kerry was some leftist messiah. He's not obviously. He's the defacto placeholder that is least offensive to the most people and therefore stands the best chance of being swept to office on the wave of anti-Bush sentiment. That's why I'll be voting for him.

You know you have problems connecting with voters when your running mate--that is vice presidential pick--has a 24-point higher approval rating than you do. I wonder what this guy's approval ratings are. He's Kerry Edwards. Look at that smile. Is he some kind of sexy African-American synthesis of the two men? Probably, and it looks like he's going to be rich soon. Maybe we should rethink our nominee.

Every analyst I hear spouts the same mantra: Kerry has to ignite the base. This is probably true, but unrealistic and a little unfair. Asking him to electrify America is as futile as asking the same of a lightning rod. He's no orator. He's wordier than I am. Don't be stupid George Stephanopoulos. You have a giant head, use it.

I do feel a little cheated though, John Kerry actually excited me once. It was probably almost two years ago now. I was living in what passes for the ghetto of Spokane, Washington. We rented a big house with bars on the windows. The bars couldn't keep prowlers out of the gaping holes in the crumbling foundation. Luckily most of the foundation was obscured by hundreds of rosebushes, which inexplicably bloomed 9 months out of the year. It was an oddly magical house, and one that stank of cat piss. 

The previous tenant's wife fell in with some sort of sex cult and had left him with four children and no second income. He was one person and could barely manage the rent. Later, we would be six people and would still barely manage the rent.

Needless to say, the poor guy had some shit on his mind, and forwarding magazine subscriptions didn't have top priority. He moved and got himself a more managable life; We got his subscription to Men's Journal.

On the cover of this particular issue, August 2002, Kerry sat astride a Harley-Davidson in a fringed black leather jacket. He talked about interesting things, said that if he decided to run, it'd be nice if John McCain, his buddy, would run with him. The Bi-Partisanism he hinted at in the article was kind of nice. He seemed intent on unifying the country. He took stands on issues, he was vocal and--though this might just be clever editing--he was concise. He seemed to have something approaching the charisma of Bill Clinton, which is good, as no one ignited the base like Bill Clinton. Of course, Clinton was also a winner--which tends to fire up a group of consistent losers.

Granted, Kerry might have just seemed more promising. back then it was much less likely that anyone was going to have a chance against Bush. In those days I often found myself staring longingly at pictures of history's greatest murderer. Maybe my judgement was impaired. Thankfully though, the President has fucked up anything he's ever touched, and all the best spin in the world won't change that.

Quick question: when did beady-eyed Joe Scarborough stop being such a thoughtless firebrand? I hate this guy for the same reasons I hate Michael Moore, Michael Savage, Al Franken and Anne Coulter, though not as much because he's not as stupid as some of that group nor as loud an absurd as the three who aren't Al Franken. I meant that sentence to imply that Al Franken is just plain stupid . . . I don't know if that came across. Yet, here is Scarborough not spouting biased polemics laced with jokes that entertain like partial-birth abortions. This has to be a trick. He shows his colors a little more in that previous link. "Hardblogger" is only a week old though, and those appear to be his only two posts, so time will tell.